Some of you who know me might think that it's because I decided to move back to Lebanon and that I realize now that it was not the best decision, but that's not it. I love Lebanon, I love being here and I hate to even think that I should leave again God forbid!
I don't know how I planned or looked at the plan I put for myself 4 or 5 years ago. Was I blind or were things different? Was I too optimistic or was life really rosy? I know it wasn't rosy and I know that life is never easy.
Leaving the comfort of a life I got used to, even if it wasn't to my liking, and making a drastic change, country, status, responsibilities, etc. what the hell was I thinking taking things as they offered themselves? I regret that, of course I do. A smart woman who has lived over 20 years of here life fighting to find herself in a strange world should have thought differently, should've made herself come first... Anyways, what's the use now? What's done is done and I am left with ... this!!
At least I got a child, an extraordinary gift from Up Above, and that should by itself count for something, something big and very important.
What to do now? Here's what I keep asking myself. The easiest solution is to leave, and move back to Canada to have it easy raising my child and living whatever way possible, with all the great things and free and comfortable things that Canada offers. But this means to be totally and always miserable in my heart and soul and mind and losing my kid, giving her roots different than mine. I don't want that, even if maybe if we try this it might be the best for her.. ok so I'm selfish.. She's the only "thing" that is mine, after all! sue me!!
Keep living the life I'm living, means having a lot of ups and downs, more of them waiting to exhale, waiting for one of us to leave, somehow, and leave the other alone, but I'm stuck with this for now. At least I have neighbours, friends, the opportunities to do things I love, like pray whenever I want to, wherever I want to. Walk to school, enjoy the great weather 10 months per year. Have everything I need just steps away from my home. Feel at home no matter what. Even if it ends up killing me.
I keep talking to myself most of the time that I'm alone, maybe this is why now I decided to write, don't wanna lose my mind that early. I'm only forty three. Ok so it's too late to have another child but it doesn't mean that I have to become "old"! Writing is good, it's better at least, whatever I write takes away some pain.
Having the time to cry at Her feet, then talking to the only human one who listens when he's got time was great the other day. I got some strength back in my heart and soul. But I need so much more of this, especially talking to him and listening to what he has to say. I've always relied on him, and trusted him and he used to have time for me, in my life before Canada... He's another reason why I cannot leave. I need him in my real life not only in my dreams.
Ok this is not turning into a love letter to someone I cannot have, but whom I have all the time.But how sad is it to have this dear person in my life yet live with someone who is nothing like that, someone who doesn't even know what I like, how I feel, what rocks my boat, and don't even care to know.. or listen.. or talk.
That dog upstairs is irritating me with his constant barking. I'm too lazy to go up and ask those neighbours to shut him up. Those neighbours who are supposed to be my closest relatives.. another big pain in my entire entity!!!
My problem is that I get angry fast, I shout, I break things, I shout, I curse and I easily hate. Damn it, what did life turn me into? Where is the loving caring patient coco? I am so very tired. I am so thirsty for a real hug from a real person who really cares for me, especially from the opposite sex. Someone to take me out of my rotten shell and show me how beautiful life is. He once told me that I cannot live if my heart was empty, but here I am now living with an empty aching heart.. where do I go from here?
I guess for now, I have to get dressed and go to the bible study, maybe this will bring me some joy...