whatever

I haven't written in a very very long time. Life has been on the move, especially moving up and down and more down and then up and then down.. I don't know anymore its ups from its downs frankly, and I don't know where I am at the moment.
Some of you who know me might think that it's because I decided to move back to Lebanon and that I realize now that it was not the best decision, but that's not it. I love Lebanon, I love being here and I hate to even think that I should leave again God forbid!
I don't know how I planned or looked at the plan I put for myself 4 or 5 years ago. Was I blind or were things different?  Was I too optimistic or was life really rosy? I know it wasn't rosy and I know that life is never easy.
Leaving the comfort of a life I got used to, even if it wasn't to my liking, and making a drastic change, country, status, responsibilities, etc. what the hell was I thinking taking things as they offered themselves? I regret that, of course I do.  A smart woman who has lived over 20 years of here life fighting to find herself in a strange world should have thought differently, should've made herself come first...  Anyways, what's the use now? What's done is done and I am left with ... this!!
At least I got a child, an extraordinary gift from Up Above, and that should by itself count for something, something big and very important.
What to do now? Here's what I keep asking myself. The easiest solution is to leave, and move back to Canada to have it easy raising my child and living whatever way possible, with all the great things and free and comfortable things that Canada offers. But this means to be totally and always miserable in my heart and soul and mind and losing my kid, giving her roots different than mine. I don't want that, even if maybe if we try this it might be the best for her..  ok so I'm selfish.. She's the only "thing" that is mine, after all!  sue me!!
Keep living the life I'm living, means having a lot of ups and downs, more of them waiting to exhale, waiting for one of us to leave, somehow, and leave the other alone, but I'm stuck with this for now. At least I have neighbours, friends, the opportunities to do things I love, like pray whenever I want to, wherever I want to. Walk to school, enjoy the great weather 10 months per year.  Have everything I need just steps away from my home. Feel at home no matter what. Even if it ends up killing me.
I keep talking to myself most of the time that I'm alone, maybe this is why now I decided to write, don't wanna lose my mind that early. I'm only forty three.  Ok so it's too late to have another child but it doesn't mean that I have to become "old"!  Writing is good, it's better at least, whatever I write takes away some pain.
Having the time to cry at Her feet, then talking to the only human one who listens when he's got time was great the other day. I got some strength back in my heart and soul. But I need so much more of this, especially talking to him and listening to what he has to say. I've always relied on him, and trusted him and he used to have time for me, in my life before Canada... He's another reason why I cannot leave. I need him in my real life not only in my dreams.
Ok  this is not turning into a love letter to someone I cannot have, but whom I have all the time.But how sad is it to have this dear person in my life yet live with someone who is nothing like that, someone who doesn't even know what I like, how I feel, what rocks my boat, and don't even care to know.. or listen.. or talk.
That dog upstairs is irritating me with his constant barking. I'm too lazy to go up and ask those neighbours to shut him up. Those neighbours who are supposed to be my closest relatives.. another big pain in my entire entity!!!
My problem is that I get angry fast, I shout, I break things, I shout, I curse and I easily hate. Damn it, what did life turn me into?  Where is the loving caring patient coco? I am so very tired. I am so thirsty for a real hug from a real person who really cares for me, especially from the opposite sex. Someone to take me out of my rotten shell and show me how beautiful life is.  He once told me that I cannot live if my heart was empty, but here I am now living with an empty aching heart.. where do I go from here?
I guess for now, I have to get dressed and go to the bible study, maybe this will bring me some joy...

From Mother Theresa

People are often unreasonable, Illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some trueenemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Written By Mother Teresa

Undelivered Letter

I’ve been thinking of you lately so strongly and how I wish I could call or see you and know why.

A few days ago while sitting to watch TV, you came to my mind and my tears fell alone when I remembered. Saturday evenings used to be fun from the moment we’d start helping mom in the kitchen preparing for dinner and waiting impatiently for the others to arrive. And the few words I always loved to hear “go call Ammo Jihad and tell him not to forget the small koussa” or “… tell him not to bother with the koussa, I got them here” or “… ask him when he’ll be here” This meant that our evening is going to be happy and fun. I loved your smile, the sparkle in your eyes when you greet us, your sweetness, your jokes even those I didn’t understand at the time. I loved the look on your face when making fun of someone. You were a real personable person, a true friend and one of the family that we hold close to our hearts forever.

Tonight at Our Lady of Assistance, listening to a Christmas recital, the thought of you came as real as feeling you next to me. Christmas is here, and I’m oceans away from my family, yet the only one I’m missing the most this year is you. Or maybe I feel you so close that you are in my mind front and center? Is there something you wish to tell me by being so close these days? Or do I need you that much that I’m thinking of you more than ever? Or is your ghost living in this house and this is how I know you’re here?

I’m writing this and I know you are not “alive” to read it like people do, but I sure hope you can read my heart from wherever you are, and I hope you know that I miss you soooooooooo much and that I love you… always did and always will. There is no way you can be forgotten, MY Khalo by heart, not by blood.

Merry Christmas Ammo Jihad. I am so sorry for Anastasia who will not get to know the wonderful person that you (were) are.

My daughter the singer

My baby has got taste in music and she has a bright future ;)

June 7, 2009

It's a big thing after all! It is every adult citizen's right and duty.

This is the first time I experience it here in Lebanon and frankly I'm kind of getting annoyed by it. I cannot wait for June 7th to come to stop hearing about it.

I don't understand masalan, how a visit to congratulate new parents on the arrival of their daughter triggers a political conversation about voting, who said what and who is better than whom, and who we SHOULD vote for.

It feels like the huge billboards on the roads got even bigger with the campaign ads. Some of them don't make sense, and the best are the ones copied from an opponent's idea. No thinking required. That shouldn't have required a huge budget for marketing and advertising. Bravo! What a great money saving strategy! Money spent otherwise on other unthinkable actions like more billboards or paying voters or whatever annoying and disturbing action.

Radio and TV ads (at least the one I heard and saw) are a bit more conservative and targeted to the general public. They sound like they are made to encourage people to vote in general, no matter who they would vote for. That's great! The real funny one is that Xtra radio ad campaign... Only in Lebanon a beverage becomes a candidate in the governmental elections! I would maybe vote for it, if I know what it is made of :)

What are really annoying are two things actually.
First, people who try to TELL you who you SHOULD vote for. I might be of the same opinion, I may be voting for the same party but it is no one's business. Why otherwise would the voting experience be secretive and made behind closed curtains? Save the trouble of creating appropriate voting locations and do it by the raise of a hand, what's the big deal? Eh?

Second, some parties are paying money to Lebanese working and living abroad to come and vote for them. Where's the democracy in that? Why do some IMPORTANT people and parties have enough money to bring in people to vote and not spend it on Lebanon? Why do Lebanese in Lebanon have to pay an arm and a leg to have clean water, electricity and other necessities, drive on streets more like dirt roads, and sell their kidney to put their kids in schools, and be told that the national deficit is such, when there are IMPORTANT people with ENOUGH money to cover the national deficit and make life easier on EVERYONE? Wouldn't they earn enough votes had they done some good on the ground instead of having to beg people abroad to come and vote for them? Did these political figures with big money want justice and democracy in the election exercise; they would have worked on allowing the Lebanese living abroad to vote from outside the country. What is a better reason to have an embassy or a consulate than to facilitate the practice of ones duty towards their country? Just an opinion.

Looking forward to June 7, 2009; and see what happens after...